when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
