I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
