The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
