I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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