Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
