Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
