You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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