i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
