He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
