Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
