You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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