I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
