I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My bed smells like the plague
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
