Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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