someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
