I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
