Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
