Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
