you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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