Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
