When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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