It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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