he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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