Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
