but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize