Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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