Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
