Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
