you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
