What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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