In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Randomize
