my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
