The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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