MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Shame - the story of my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize