If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
