In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
