please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Couch. On fire.
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