You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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