I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
