My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
