i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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