Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
