i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
