i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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