first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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