I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
