I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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