I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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