And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
