you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize