Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
