I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
