Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
