I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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