god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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