Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
