I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she smelled like a LAN party
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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