Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
