I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
