You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
